twodoebs

Sweet Kati chastised me this morning because I haven't had any interesting postings on doebtown recently. And--before I get to the HEART of the matter, that being The Wonderful World of the Catholic Community--let me please briefly address that issue (why is it that nobody has *problems* anymore?--everything's always an *issue*).

Plain and simple, there are just too many other problems cookin' out there. With that in mind, stay tuned for a MAJOR new development in the doebtown world come . . . oh, say May 6!

But it's NOT that I once publicized Kati and me going bowling on a Friday night and now I don't even recognize a lovely cocktail party thrown in our honor with a posting on PURPOSE . . . PUH-lease, Judge. No, Stefanie, it's NOT that I don't appreciate you sending me a link to the VERY funny SNL Prescription Drug Train commercial (the lyrics to which were previously featured on doebtown) or to the Eastern Motors commercial, which is ALSO very funny--it's just that my attention has been focused elsewhere these days.

Normal doebtown operations, however, expected to resume soon--stay tuned!

ON THAT NOTE . . . one of the things that's been consuming my attention is *training* to be a lector at our local parish. One might consider this posting to be a follow-up on the story I wrote about our experience at precana because it continues to illustrate how unfortunately out of touch Roman Catholic parishes are with their young[er] parishioners.

I think the best was to tell this story is just to let it tell itself by simply cutting and pasting the e-mail chain that I found in my inbox this morning. As just a LITTLE bit of background, this meeting they're speaking of was a two-and-a-half-hour-long shebang that went down a coupla weeks ago. For the sake of simplicity, I'll reverse the order of the messages so that the earliest comes first. In order to improve the flow of the exchange, I'll insert my running commentary in CAPS after each message. And--as always--I'll edit out people's last names. Here goes:

From: Dana
To: Karen, Dawn, Fredia, Rachel, Williama, Kelly, Kelly, William, Monique, Nicole, Zulan, Matthew
Date: Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Subject: Meeting Minutes

Dear lectors:
Fr. Ngozi has approved the attached minutes of our March 28 meeting.Please read them and contact me if you have any amendments/questions. Thanks.
Dana

THE MINUTES THEMSELVES--WHILE NOT REALLY RELEVANT TO THE REST OF WHAT'S ABOUT TO GO ON--ARE PRETTY AWESOME . . . IF THERE'S ENOUGH POPULAR DEMAND, I'LL TRY TO FIND SOME WAY TO POST THEM IN THEIR ORIGINAL GLORY.

* * *

From: Karen
To: Dana
Date: Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Subject: re: Meeting Minutes

Dear Dana,

You did an excellent job on the minutes. I have just one question. "As the Mass concludes" you stated that the lectors are to "stand on the right." I thought Fr. Ngozi said we were to stand in the middle of the altar and leave room for the Priest. Maybe I misunderstood! Please clarify.

Thanks.

Karen

WELL, AT THIS POINT, *I'M* (YOU'LL HAVE TO BEAR WITH ME 'CAUSE I'M USED TO USING CAPS FOR EMPHASIS, SO SINCE I'M WRITING IN *ALL* CAPS, I'LL HAVE TO MARK MY EMPHATIC WORDS WITH ASTERISKS) THINKIN' I'M PRETTY SURE NGOZI *DID* TELL US WE'RE SUPPOSED TO STAND IN THE MIDDLE--IF, FOR NO OTHER REASON--BECAUSE ALL THESE *SAME* WOMEN MADE A BIG TO-DO ABOUT IT AT THE FREAKIN' MEETING. I'M *ALSO* THINKIN', THOUGH, ARE WE *REALLY* THAT CONCERNED ABOUT WHETHER WE STAND IN THE CENTER OF THE ALTER OR JUST TO THE RIGHT OF THE MIDDLE OF THE ALTER. BUT OH WELL . . . I'M SURE IT WAS JUST A MISUNDERSTANDING ON DANA'S PART THAT'LL GET SORTED OUT IN SHORT ORDER.

* * *

From: Dana
To: Karen
Date: Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Subject: re: Meeting Minutes

Karen:
You may be correct. My notes simply said "Stand back. Make room for the priest." I then consulted my minutes from his meeting in 2004 in which he said: "Stand to the right, etc." In any event, I always stand to the right (I mean on my right hand side when I am facing the altar) rather than in the center because then I would be in danger of falling down the steps. I think that Fredia asked about that at some length and he did say something about avoiding the steps. If you are in the center, you would be right behind the priest and when he turns around there might be the danger of a collision. I truly don't know the answer; I found it difficult to hear everything Fr. N said because his voice is very low and gentle at meetings, so I may have missed something. If I ever have to take minutes notes again, I am going to be sure to sit right next to Fr. N.

I naturally let him look it over before I ever dared distribute the minutes. So, do what you think is correct. Thanks for the reply. I think I will just continue to stand to the right; it seems to work for me. I am reluctant to raise this issue with him since the Minutes have already gone out.

A blessed Easter.
Dana

FIRST OF ALL, I LOVE THE FACT THAT SHE STILL HAS HER MINUTES FROM THE 2004 MEETING. I CAN JUST PICTURE THIS WOMAN GOING TO SOME SORT OF A FILING CABINET THAT LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING NORM ABRAM WOULD USE AS A TEMPLATE ON "THE NEW YANKEE WORKSHOP" AS AN EXAMPLE OF THE OLD PIECE HE'S GOING TO TRY TO REPLICATE AND PULLING HER HANDWRITTEN NOTES OUT OF A HANDWRITTEN FILE (ALTHOUGH SHE *DOES* TYPE UP THE MINUTES AND SEND AND RECEIVE E-MAILS, SO MAYBE I'M MAKING AN A-S-S OUT OF U-M-E).

"THERE MIGHT BE THE DANGER OF A COLLISION"--REALLY, YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS STUFF UP!

I ALSO LOVE "I NATURALLY LET HIM LOOK IT OVER BEFORE I EVER *DARED* DISTRIBUTE THE MINUTES" (EMPHASIS ADDED). PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO HOW SHE'S SIMULTANEOUSLY BEING REVERENT TO NGOZI'S POSITION AS A MAN OF THE CLOTH *AND* SEWING THE SEEDS FOR HIM TO ULTIMATELY BE RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY FALLOUT FROM THIS SITUATION.

"I AM RELUCTANT TO RAISE THIS ISSUE WITH HIM SINCE THE MINUTES HAVE ALREADY GONE OUT"--I DON'T UNDERSTAND . . . IF THERE'S CONFUSION, WHAT DOES IT MATTER IF THE MINUTES HAVE GONE OUT OR NOT--IF IT'S A BIG ENOUGH DEAL TO HAVE GONE *THIS* FAR WITH IT (AND, BELIEVE ME, FRIENDS, WE AIN'T EVEN *HALF* WAY HOME, YET!), WOULDN'T IT JUST MAKE SENSE TO CLEAR EVERYTHING UP BY ASKING "HIM?"

* * *

From: Dana
To: Karen
Date: Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Subject: re: Meeting Minutes

Well, Karen, that makes at least two of us.

Dana

OK, WELL, I GUESS THEY HAVE IT SORTED OUT, RIGHT? NOPE! . . . ENTER FREDIA, ANOTHER PLAYER IN OUR SAGA.

* * *

From: Fredia
To: Dana
Date: Thursday, April 06, 2006
Subject: Re: Meeting Minutes

Dana - one question. I had always gone to stand at the right of the gate at the end of the Mass, but thought that, at the meeting, we were told to stand in the center so we were in back of the celebrant. I did that last Sunday and Father Ngozzi said I finally got it right. Help!
Fredia

"HELP!" . . . "HELP," SHE SAYS! HERE I'M *REALLY* STUMPED BECAUSE SHE *JUST* SAID THAT NGOZI TOLD HER SHE WAS DOING IT CORRECTLY . . . WHAT'S THE CONFUSION?--YOU'VE *GOT* THE ANSWER FROM THE MAN THAT'S CALLIN' THE SHOTS!

POOR DANA, THOUGH. I CAN JUST SEE HER, GETTING ALL THESE E-MAILS AND SWALLOWING A LUMP IN HER THROAT AS IT APPEARS THAT THERE *MIGHT* BE AN ENRON SIZED ERROR IN HER MINUTES FROM THE LECTOR MEETING.

* * *

From: Dana
To: Fredia
Date: Thursday, April 06, 2006
Subject: Re: Meeting Minutes

Karen asked me the same question. Now I feel that I may have made a mistake in the
minutes. That part was unclear to me; Fr. Ngozi's voice was so low throughout the meeting that I had to strain to hear him at times. When I wrote "to the right" I referred back to his meeting two years ago when that is what he said. Last week, all I heard him say was to stand back and make room for the priest. I know that you were the one who asked that question at the meeting. I do not feel comfortable standing in the center with my back to the steps; I feel that that is too precarious. Is that really what he wants? Apparently so, if he complimented you on what you did. On the other hand, I had given him the Minutes to review prior to distribution, hoping that he would correct any errors on my part, and he made no comment.

In any event, each priest wants different things. For example, it was Fr. N. who insisted that we stand at the lectern throughout the responsorial psalm, whereas I feel more comfortable sitting down, and the other priests don't seem to care one way or the other. Fortunately, the cantor's presence usually makes that issue moot.

DANA'S APPARENTLY SEEN THE TERRIFIC FILM "THANK YOU FOR SMOKING" (WHICH I WHOLEHEARTEDLY RECOMMEND TO EVERYONE) AND IS APPLYING THE LESSONS THAT SHE LEARNED THERE ABOUT SHIFTING THE FOCUS OF A FACT TO SOMETHING ELSE TO TURN IT INTO A *DEBATE* AND APPLYING THEM HERE. NOW, AS SOMEONE WHO'S JOB IT TO EVALUATE *ALL* THE FACTS BEFORE POINTING THE FINGER, BUT *THEN* TO POINT THE FINGER WITH AS MUCH FORCE AS POSSIBLE, I'M STARTING TO GET A *LITTLE* BIT SUSPICIOUS THAT PERHAPS . . . WELL, *I* CERTAINLY DON'T WANT TO GET IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS, SO I'LL REFRAIN FROM MAKING ANY JUDGMENTS OF CULPABILITY, HERE.

* * *

From: Dana
To: Karen, Dawn, Fredia, Rachel, Williama, Kelly, Kelly, William, Monique, Nicole, Zulan, Matthew
Date: Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Subject: Fw: Re: Meeting Minutes

Dear Lectors:

Please read all the emails [above] which again concern where we stand at the end of the Mass; since both Karen and Fredia heard Fr. say "in the center" I assume they are correct. I am sorry that Fr. N. did not correct that before I distributed the Minutes because it would have saved a lot of confusion.

Dana

SO WHEN IT'S ALL SAID AND DONE, I'VE LEARNED . . . WELL, WHAT *HAVE* I LEARNED? IS EVERYONE OUT THERE OF THE SAME UNDERSTANDING AS ME--'CAUSE, BELIEVE-YOU-ME, I *DO* WANNA GET IT RIGHT!--THAT AT THE END OF MASS, I'M SUPPOSED TO JUST HIGH-TAIL IT OUTTA THERE, NOT STOP AND WAIT FOR THE PRIEST, AND TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE FACT THAT I'LL BE THE FIRST PERSON OUT OF CHURCH SO I'LL GET TO BE THE FIRST PERSON IN LINE AT THE DINER?