twodoebs

So one might think that a guy who spends five days a week in Brooklyn Criminal Court would be prepared for pretty much anything that could come out of the good men and women of Kings County. No, no . . . not so.

Kati and I spent all of last night and the better part of today attending our Precana classes in Brooklyn's Midwood neighborhood. For the benefit of those non-Catholics out there, Precana is the Vatacan's last chance to squeeze some mandatory religious education out of its parishioners before moving along to indoctrination of the lucky couple's forthcoming children. And believe-you-me, it's a BLAST from the CCD past, alright, right down to the workbook with perforated pages and the single correct answer to every seemingly open-ended question.

Almost more important in understanding the humor of the situation, though, is an understanding of where Midwood is. To be sure, this ain't no Brooklyn Heights, Carroll Gardens, or Cobble Hill. This is pretty much smack DAB in the middle of the borough . . . this is HARD core Brooklyn.

So we're in this church basement discussing family planning with some of the most colorful characters a sitcom writer EVER hope to create. This crew--really!--this crew was worth the price of admission all by itself.

And, of COURSE, the group was lead up by a married couple that took the prize! Ray, the husband of this teaching duo was--no joke--a perfect combination of Frank Costanza and Frank Barone, the father in "Everybody Loves Ray" (as a disclaimer, I want it to be clear that I never actually WATCHED an entire episode of "Everybody Loves Ray" . . . I AM, however, familiar with the character of Frank Barone, although he's NO Frank Costanza). Only he's significantly more bald than either of those two characters. Oh yeah, and he's got a *rather* heavy stutter . . . which makes listening to him speak about sensitive issues for six hours pretty difficult. While casually dropping hints that his father was an abusive alcoholic and telling us that he keeps his marriage fresh by bringing his wife a monthly refrigerator magnet, Ray peppered his presentation with jokes that only his wife could enjoy . . . perhaps (my favorite was a story about a 90 year old widower whos family decided to give him a special surprise on his birthday, so they sent an expensive call girl to his house; she arrived, rang the bell, and said "I'm here to give you super sex"--he responded, "I'll take the soup" . . . as with all of Ray's jokes, I'm not sure what it's got to do with laying the foundation for a healthy marriage, but HEY, it kept the day light!). Oh . . . and THEN--get this--about halfway through the class, shortly after he explained that Precana is so important because the American divorce rate hovers around 57%, Ray dropped the eitsy-bitsy piece of information that the woman with whom he's teaching this crash-course on fidelity is NOT his first wife. Classic!

His present wife, Karen, was equally as entertaining. I mean, don't get me wrong, these ARE good people. And I DO appreciate them giving up their Saturday in hopes that they'll be able to give Kati and me the appropriate foundation for a long and happy life together. But, man-oh-man . . . you couldn't have PICKED a less likely couple to do the job.

I'm not making these tidbits up! They're VERBATIM:

Teacher: "If the two of you haven't discussed children, now's the time."
Couple Sitting Behind Us (Giggling in Unison): "Too late!"

Male Student #1: "Man, this is BORING!"
Male Student #2 (LOUDLY): "Yeah, I wish they would just give us our fuckin' certificates and let us get out of here!

Kati and I DID, however, get OUR certificates, though, and we're PROUD to say that we're one step closer to the big day!